Smelling the colour blue.

Is it weird that my own thoughts confuse me? Sometimes when I am alone I try to run through all the thoughts that I have in my head. Anyone that knows me knows that that is a mission in itself. My brain is kind of like The Bold and the Beautiful. There’s like 17 dramatic things happening all at once, and then all of a sudden they change the actor playing Ridge and expect you just to go along with it even though IT’S A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT DUDE!

That is the only way  can explain what happens inside my head.

At any one time I have about 15 thoughts running side by side. But then those thoughts cross with one another and make a completely new thought. Then that new thought crosses with another thought and so on and so forth. So trying to decipher whats happening in my head often makes me feel nauseous. So I give up and try to shake those thoughts away or kill them by watching mind-numbing television shows or I spend hours watching youtube videos. The other day I spent 4 hours watching Jennifer Lawrence videos. 4 hours! Who does that?! She is funny though. I think we would be really good friends. If only she gave me a chance…

And back to my train of thought.

With just under four weeks until I set on my new adventure, my brain is in overdrive. Im making up all these scenarios in my head about the things that could happen and it’s scaring the shit out of me. I’m starting to second guess myself. Is this the right decision? Can I actually do this? I know that in one of my previous posts I said;

Sometimes you need to step back. And get out of your own head. Let it do the job it is perfectly capable of doing without you inside it messing it all up.

But with March 13 coming up really fast, Im finding it hard to follow my own advice. I am FREAKING OUT and no one seems to understand. Everyone keeps saying things like “You’ll be fine, It’s be an adventure”

That’s easy for you to say you’re not the one  MOVING YOUR ENTIRE LIFE HALWAY ACROSS THE GLOBE!

And then I sit and wonder about all the ‘What ifs’

What if I hate it over there?

What if I find out I have no real talent in anything?

What if I have made the biggest mistake EVER?!

What if I am too scared to take life by the balls?

What if this isn’t me?

Again, this single post contradicts everything I have ever written. I just need to be sure of myself. Be able to make mistakes and know that I am strong enough to pick myself up, brush it all off and start again. But I am starting to think that maybe I’m not that strong.

This post is exactly what it’s like inside my head. I jump from thought to thought without ever really coming to a conclusion about anything. Trying to decipher what is inside my head is like trying to smell the colour blue.

P.S. If you every have a couple of hours to kill, youtube Jennifer Lawrence. You won’t be disappointed.

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One thought on “Smelling the colour blue.

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  1. Kid, you already did that once as a kid. How hard can it be as an adult who actually choses it?
    And you can always come crash on our sofa if you need family time.

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