How to meet the parents in 7 easy steps

 

Falling in love can be an exciting/ intimidating/ confusing/ giddy time; especially when it is time to meet the parents of the person that makes your heart skip a beat. Just kidding, meeting the parents is as scary as hell! You have just spent a significant amount of time trying to impress one person and now, all of a sudden, you have to impress two (or maybe three or four)?! This game is all about hiding your flaws. Anything that you feel insecure about needs to be put well under the table for this monumental event that will probably shape they entire future of your romantic relationship (no pressure though, I am sure they will love you). For those of you starting to sweat under the collar, don’t panic. I recently met my partner’s parents and I came out in one piece.

To help you do the same I have taken my experience and compiled a list of how to impress your future in-laws for those who need a little bit of extra help. Whether you are trying to show that you have genuine care and affection for their child, or if you are just trying to convince them that a marriage for a visa IS, in fact, in everyone’s best interest here are some tips to help you through it:

  1. Bribery

Bribery should be your go-to in any situation and because you are attempting to take something reasonably important from the household, you need to make sure you have a good replacement available to them. Whiskey. Whiskey is a gift for every occasion and particularly good at filling those emotional holes you’ll be leaving behind. Whiskey is also great at showing your fun side and helps make it clear that you can handle a strong drink, which is very important, especially if they are Irish. Most importantly make sure that you finish the bottle during your visit. Every parent appreciates someone who can drink their child under the table. It shows maturity on your part.

  1. Compliments

Just like bribery, complimenting is always a good idea. Make sure you compliment the mother on her appearance. Every MILF (and don’t be afraid to call her that) likes to be reminded that she is a viable sexual object. Make sure you let her know that she’s still got it in her. Even if she hasn’t, a little white lie won’t hurt.
Do not forget the dad! Calling him ‘Stroller-Meat’ or ‘Silver Fox’ will give him the ego boost he will always remember. The plan is to create an association so that whenever they think of you they will remember the confidence boost they received and instantly want you around.

  1. Research

It’s always a good idea to do your groundwork prior to your visit. A 30 to 40 minute Facebook stalk will give you hours of conversation. Did the father like a picture of a scantily clad model? Make sure that during dinner you bring up that you saw it and how much you appreciated that image as well. Everyone will be impressed that you took the time to remember his interests.
If you get to the house and have forgotten prior research, always remember there will be a bin outside that will provide you with endless talking points. Don’t be afraid to get creative or personal in these talks, this meeting is all about getting to know each other!

  1. Fabrications

I am not at all suggesting that lying is the way to conduct yourself in a normal context, but making yourself more available to your future in-laws’ preferences is simple. Fabricate. Fabrication (or, as I call it, extreme truth telling) is not lying, exactly (and this is also an argument you can feel free to use if you get caught out), Fabrication is all about extending on pre-existing facts and information. You did one law subject at university? Tell them you have a law degree. You are more than qualified to give free legal advice! They will love that you are well educated and have direction in your life; and not knowing that you actually have an Arts degree certainly won’t hurt them.

  1. Thoughtfulness

This will get you serious brownie points with the future in-laws! It’s the simple things, like helping clear the table, or serving the food. If you notice a bit of dust on the mantle and you really want to impress, make sure you point it out to the family. This shows them that you have an eye for detail. Take the one step further and ask for a cloth to clean it up with; while you are there, you may as well do a courtesy vacuum of the lounge. They will appreciate the fact that you like to keep things clean and adore that you just saved them this week’s chores!

  1. Skill-sets

This goes without saying; show off the things that you’re good at! What we really want to do is highlight the wonderful, talented person that you are! Are you a professional wrestler? Strip down, oil up and challenge your future Father-in-law to a match. Make sure you don’t take no for an answer. This shows that you are a determined and athletic individual.
Or maybe you are a chef? Make sure that over dinner you give the mother some great pointers on how to improve her meal for next time! They will love to see how useful you can be to the household!

Both qualities I’m sure every parent looks for in their children’s partners.

  1. Affection

Something every parent wants for his or her child is love. Show them how much you love their child by not keeping your hands off them all night long. If there is a lull in conversation at the dinner table simply take your lips and put them right on your partner’s lips in a very sexual and passionate way. Do this for minimum 3 to 4 minutes to really show them how much you care. Just make sure that you don’t do it mid conversation; you don’t want to come off as rude. Want extra points? A little bit of over-the-clothes action will certainly not go unnoticed.

Please bear in mind that this is only a guide based on what has worked for me recently, but I am sure if you stick to this list you will be the hit of the centenary! Your significant other and their family will not stop talking about this meet for decades to come. I would even recommend you print this out and keep it on hand for any reminders needed during the meeting; you don’t want to get caught looking like you don’t know what you’!

That’s all the advice I can give you – good luck!

*I take no responsibility with the consequences if you follow this guideline.

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