What do I want…

So… Have you ever found yourself sitting in a restaurant looking over a menu trying to figure out what exactly you feel like eating, all the while the little anxiety ball that sits in your stomach is growing and growing as your waiter slowly makes their way over to your table (for the third time) with that look on their face that says ‘please let it be this time,’ your dining partner’s eyes are narrowing as they slowly lose the love they once had for you all because you can’t make up your mind on what you want to eat and they just want you to eat something, ANYTHING, they would settle for their own hand at this point; so you shout at the waiter the first thing you see on the menu because the pressure is all getting too much. Then the meal arrives and your heart sinks as you lament every decision you’ve ever made up until this point, pining for all the meals you could’ve had, that you wanted to have, but here you are: stuck with the Greek salad on your placemat and the dying love of the person in front of you?
No? is that just me?

While I’m sure that I am not the only one that does this (…. I hope), my issue is that this scenario follows me around like a grey cloud. It’s not just in restaurants, or at stationary stores but it happens everywhere – for everything; especially in my career. I’m going to say something that’s going to make every baby boomer gasp in horror…

I am 27 and I do not know what I want to do with my life.

Shocking, I know. At my age, there is this expectation that we should know what it is that we want to spend our life doing; or at least the foreseeable future. Could I just get a quick show of hands from all the millennials in their mid to late twenties who actually know what they want to spend their life doing AND are doing it (or at least in the process of). Then I want to shake the knowledge out of each of you, so I can have some, because I. Am. lost.
I am lost in what I should do, what I am expected to do, and what I want to do. It leaves me wondering… when will I get some clarity?

This feeling of being lost coupled with my anxiety over making decisions (don’t even get me started on how hard I’ve found making decisions for the wedding!) leaves me here: a full-time working, lost millennial, with a bachelor’s degree in theatre whilst simultaneously studying a Level 5 CIPD qualification in HR and advance diploma in events management. If you made a Venn diagram with those three areas it would literally be the only venn diagram without any overlap at all. Suffice to say, I don’t know what I want. My solution? To panic and enrol in (expensive) studies because I think that that subject could be right for me. Midway through I realise that that it might not be for me, so I panic, I enrol in something else and the cycle continues into infinity. As the saying goes: big decisions are difficult so make rash thoughtless ones instead!

My big life question at the moment is how do I get to a place where I am confident enough in myself to know what it is that I want to do? And before you say “do what makes you happy!” thank-you but NO. That nice sentiment is just not always practical. You know what makes me happy? Eating nachos in bed and playing with dogs. If you can find me a job where I can do that and still pay my mortgage/rent/bills/car/life then I’ll eat my nachos-y covered words all day long; but truthfully, that doesn’t seem possible.

So… what do I want? That’s not a rhetorical question asked into the universe. I am asking you. You there. Yes, you. You reading this.
What do I want?

4 thoughts on “What do I want…

Add yours

  1. Thanks for a very interesting read – you’ve got me visualising all kinds of non overlapping Venn Diagrams now! What do you want? I don’t know – but I do know that when I felt lost, when I didn’t know what I wanted, I started to paint. I kept going, and very very slowly – I became, and am becoming, an artist. Maybe – rather than repeated cycles of expensive studies, you could just try a few new things out yourself? I hear there’s a cartoon series of science diagrams and whatnot just crying out to be doodled….somewhere, by someone…

    1. I cannot doodle, but I can ramble. Whenever I feel lost, I write. That is something I always have done. I just nee dto stop panicking and enjoy the not knowing.

  2. That’s easy:
    You like Eating nachos in bed and playing with dogs. =>
    You start your Dog minding business and and find a few nachos sellers you can advertise for free samples and while the dogs are warming your feet in long winter nights you can write.

    Done!The biggest problem in your life fixed!

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